Every Wednesday, I gather with a group of close friends to eat dinner and spend a couple of hours learning Nonviolent Communication skills. This weekly meeting was formed by my landmate, as a way for us to build trust, learn a cohesive conflict resolution communication language, and more simply, just spend some time together. Each week we aim to study a section or chapter of this NVC training.

Nonviolent Communication was developed by Marshall Rosenburg and is a language of connection, honesty, and empathy, with one overarching principal: human emotions are the result of met or unmet needs. Within these needs are the opportunity to connect - or distance! - ourselves from others. Simplified, NVC uses a 4-step framework of Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests. Honestly communicating these steps and compassionately receiving these steps helps us more consciously identify and meet our needs.

We recently covered a section on anger - an emotion I admittedly don't explore too often. I feel it, but due to familial and social conditioning, I tend to tuck it away. What I learned at our Wednesday gathering about the root and purpose of anger motivated me to embrace it.

In NVC, outwardly expressed anger is viewed as a language of violence. Marshall explains that "people don't make us angry, how we think makes us angry". This was difficult for me to conceptualize at first, but after some practice and self-reflection, it made a lot of sense:

• Considering stimulus vs. cause - Often times, when we feel anger we can confuse the stimulus of our anger as the cause of our anger. For example, if someone cuts you off in traffic, they didn't force you to become angry, but rather they stimulated an expression of an unmet need (possibly consideration, safety, comfort, respect, etc.). Your anger at the other driver is alerting you to an unmet need of yours.
• 4 D's of disconnection - Diagnosis (judgement, criticism), denial of responsibility, demand, and deserve - focusing on these and the actions of others creates a barrier to connecting to your own unmet needs. Expecting someone to connect with you when you blame them for how you feel, is a recipe for disconnection.
• "4 friends" - Awareness around the "4 friends" - anger, shame, guilt, depression - can help us start to identify that we are thinking in a way that contributes to violence. This awareness can be a first step toward identifying what need of ours isn't being met, to then verbalize that need to the other person - not for them to fix, but for them to understand what is happening within you.
• Transforming anger - Once we can start to better notice our feelings and identify our needs, we can take note of the stimulus of our anger and transform it into connection, taking steps to meet our own needs, and increasing empathy for ourselves and others.
• Accountability to self - Considering the above, it's clear that I have a responsibility to communicate clearly, honestly, and authentically in order to stay accountable to my needs. This accountability not only creates connection to and empathy for myself, but also the opportunity to connect more deeply with others. Admittedly, this is difficult for me, having being conditioned that my actions are the cause of other people's unmet needs.

I admit that I felt a resistance to this at first. "But, there are certainly things that other people do that anger me! What about openly racist people? That makes me angry!" My anger is rooted in my need for love, equity, belonging, and acceptance. "This person keeps doing something that they know I don't like!" My anger is rooted in consideration, integrity, respect, and cooperation.

Thinking this way has been fundamental in shifting my relationship with anger. Instead of pushing it down inside of me, unconsidered and festering, I welcome the exploration. It has helped me focus on my values and the parts of myself that I cherish and creating a feeling of empathy towards others, instead of becoming entangled in judgement or focusing on who was "right or wrong". I feel empowered to know I am the sole source of my anger and to have powerful tools to navigate it.