• I'm currently on leave from work for health reasons. I've been feeling burnout, and my bloodwork shows I'm anemic. For the past year or so, I've been caught in a cycle of stress > fatigue > not eating well > fatigue > overwhelm... a doom spiral if you will. My intention around taking this time off work is to rest (like, TRULY rest), gently get caught up on things around my house like organizing and purging, being intentional about my time and routines, and spending time outdoors. I'll write more about my feelings around work and having to take this time off soon.
• Journaling. In the same vein of resting and being intentional with my time, I'm journaling a lot. I'm writing in the morning and evening, trying to note positive aspects of my day. Keeping things positive has been helping shift my mindset and disconnect from everything that's happening in the world. Although I like to be informed, right now innunading myself with world news isn't doing myself any favors.

what I'm thinking about

• AI. Ugh. AI. I both hate thinking about it and think it's important. AI is here to stay, yet AI is a technology that (in my eyes) is problematic in the way it's currently being used. Do I know what an ethical way to use AI is? In our current work landscape, maybe automating rote tasks for more worker freedom, but that's certainly not the current use-case, and with the funding issues around running these giant LLMs, I don't see a path towards that. I'm tired.
• Resiliency. I feel weird about planning for systemic breakdowns, whether that be the cost of basic needs is exorbiant or that infrastructure systems break. It feels both urgent and like I'm wearing a huge tin-hat. So, I plan a garden to grow my own food, live somewhere where water is available without government-owned pipes, and warm my house with energy from the trees on my property. For now, that seems fine?
• Work future. In a therapy session recently, I verbalized that traditional empoloyment simply isn't a good fit for me. I am incredibly skilled in several different areas, yet when I'm employed, that simply doesn't matter and I hate being confined in an arbitrary box. Watching my organization spend thousands of dollars for website updates that would take me 1 or 2 days to do, being positioned under a "communications director" who has never created a organizational communications plan. I'm exhausted and I have so much more to give to the world. Working for myself also scares the shit out of me, but I know it's what I need to do.

I keep getting messages that I'm interpreting to push myself in that direction:

Wheel of Fortune - destiny, change of course. the wheel of fortune is always turning, whether it's fate or destiny. whatever is happening to you, know that it is bringing you closer to your life's purpose.

Six of Pentacles - prosperity, growth, generosity. your long awaited fruits are ready for harvesting. make sure you are generous, both giving and receiving, during this time.

Daughter of Pentacles - daughter of pentacles works behind the scenes and is hardworking and responsible. she has vast inner strength and thrives when in nature.

things I'm enjoying

• what bell hooks taught me about my phone by Emma Deadman
• I wish I could go to Degrowth Summer School in Barcelona.
• This circuit board moon phase/period calendar from Dr. Anuradha Reddy
• I stumbled upon the 2026 Japanese Stationary Awards and I'm resisting buying anything, but inspired to "up my journaling game" with what I already have. Tempting, though. Sheesh.

One thing I need to be mindful of is the trap of perfection. Just because I'm identifying and embodying habits and traits of the person I want to be, doesn't mean I am failing if I don't act accordingly 100% of the time. Even just 1% of the time is better than not at all. It feels good to be gentle with myself. Another guideline is to keep things positive. I try to avoid using phrases such as "The person I want to be DOESN'T...", but instead re-frame it into a positive attribute.

That being said, I am compiling a list that I may or may not add to in the future (see what I did there?!) but can help keep me accountable and motivated.

The person I want to be...

• Revels in the things that bring her joy: interesting rocks, sentimental quilts, goofy dogs, the shimmer of raindrops on trees, pants that fit right AND are comfy...
• Speaks honestly, kindly, and with conviction
• Asks for help and accepts the outcome with gratitude that I have people in my life I can ask for help from
• Shares my skills, knowledge, and abilities with others
• Is patient with others, trusting they are doing what's best for them
• Honors my creativity. I create with joy, curiosity, and acceptance
• Trusts myself. I know what's right for me, and it's okay if it's not right for others
• Respects my space. A tidy home helps me feel at ease
• Creates time instead of finding time. If something is important to me, I make sure I create space to do it
• Is clear about what I need - physically, emotionally, mentally - and communicates those needs to others

It was only a few weeks ago, I was sitting in pre-op waiting to get this malignant skin removed from my body that I finally surrendered. "Okay, universe. I hear you. Something's gotta give, and I'm the only person who can make that change. I'll do it. I didn't know exactly what I was agreeing to, or what I was giving up, but I did know I couldn't keep following this same path.

I had a glimmer of this feeling when I had first learned I had melanoma. After I got that phone call, I remember thinking the news was a wake up call. Something was trying to get my attention. It made sense. The last few months (actually, probably years) I had carelessly set my needs aside to try and make things happen: fit in with the community I live in, excel at the job that other people admire but doesn't pay me my worth, give away my skills for free so I'm useful to others, rarely say "no"... you get the point. I knew it wasn't sustainable, but I didn't know how to get out of this cycle. Or maybe I knew, but it felt too risky. Too scary.

Sitting in pre-op, everything I had been working so hard to balance came crashing down. I could barely answer the nurse's questions through my tears. I was feeling lonely and sad that I rejected people's offers to accompany me. Well-meaning efforts to console me (I've had that done, it's no big deal!) fed the part of me that requires that I be independent at all costs. Truth is, I was scared. I was scared I had melanoma to begin with and I was scared about the seemingly routine surgery. I was scared of complications. I was scared of more melanoma. But instead of tending to that fear, I completely ignored it. And it showed up anyway, like a pressure tank exploded.

I don't know if it was the anxiety drugs, years of therapy talking about my people-pleasing habits, or a bit of both, but as soon as the nurses left and I had a few moments to catch my breath, I surrendered. I felt a wave of relief wash over me, and vowed to myself that I would take myself, my needs, my preferences, my authenticity, seriously.

Over the last few weeks, I've worked hard to break some habits I've picked up while trudging through the muck:

• Instead of journaling about everything going wrong, I've been writing love letters to myself, writing to myself in the future about the things I want to accomplish, visualizing my ideal day, making lists of gratitude and glimmers of joy
• I've been more intentional with my words - shifting complaints into observations and trying to replace phrases like "I can't", "I wish", "I should" into "I can", "I am", "I will"
• I've shared truthfully about what I'm struggling with and what I need to friends and family, instead of telling them (err... lying about) how wonderful everything is
• I'm choosing to spend time with positive people who have mindsets of gratitude, and being okay with growing apart from friends who used to fuel my negativity parties
• I'm doing small things each day that "the person I want to be" would do. Sometimes tiny things like changing the toilet paper roll, picking clothes off the floor, or washing my face at night

But, I think the biggest shift has been in how I think and speak to myself. I'm noticing more compassion and understanding for myself. Patience when I don't do or say what I want to say. And accountability for my happiness. This must be what people mean when they talk about loving yourself.

Sometimes I feel ashamed that things had to get so bad and I literally had to have a cancer diagnosis to wake up, but the truth is, I did. And there's no way of knowing whether I would have gotten to where I am now, if I hadn't. So instead, I try to feel grateful for all the challenges I've recently experienced that they taught me about resiliency and strength. Without them, I wouldn't know myself as well. I wouldn't know what I am capable of overcoming. And I think that's really beautiful.

I recognize this "freeze" as a larger pattern in my life - something that I've carried around with me since childhood. It's a part of me that interjects little thoughts about what I'm doing, presumably to make sure I am accepted. It sounds like:

• "That's too personal to put on the internet."
• "Another post about your mental health? Yikes."
• "I don't know... this writing isn't that good."

Yeah, I know.

I've written before about how helpful it feels for me to do things that are hard without perfectionism. And I know that these things take practice. Who knows, maybe I'll have to write twenty more blog posts about how writing blog posts feels scary before I fully let this go. I'm okay with that.

Love the quick profit, the annual raise, vacation with pay. Want more of everything ready-made. Be afraid to know your neighbors and to die. And you will have a window in your head. Not even your future will be a mystery any more. Your mind will be punched in a card and shut away in a little drawer. When they want you to buy something they will call you. When they want you to die for profit they will let you know.

So, friends, every day do something that won’t compute. Love the Lord. Love the world. Work for nothing. Take all that you have and be poor. Love someone who does not deserve it. Denounce the government and embrace the flag. Hope to live in that free republic for which it stands. Give your approval to all you cannot understand. Praise ignorance, for what man has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers. Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias. Say that your main crop is the forest that you did not plant, that you will not live to harvest. Say that the leaves are harvested when they have rotted into the mold. Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.

Put your faith in the two inches of humus that will build under the trees every thousand years. Listen to carrion – put your ear close, and hear the faint chattering of the songs that are to come. Expect the end of the world. Laugh. Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful though you have considered all the facts. So long as women do not go cheap for power, please women more than men. Ask yourself: Will this satisfy a woman satisfied to bear a child? Will this disturb the sleep of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields. Lie down in the shade. Rest your head in her lap. Swear allegiance to what is nighest your thoughts. As soon as the generals and the politicos can predict the motions of your mind, lose it. Leave it as a sign to mark the false trail, the way you didn’t go. Be like the fox who makes more tracks than necessary,some in the wrong direction. Practice resurrection.

My morning nature walk meditation was potent and beautiful this morning.

There was a clarity and an ease I've been longing for. I found it in communion with nature and I have a deep gratitude for the messages I received this morning:

Nature doesn't try to explain itself.

Nature doesn't change for those who are uncomfortable with it.

Nature is harsh, yet unapologetically honest and we still revel in it's beauty.

Nature demands respect and also nurtures us.

In nature, there is space for all - no expectations, no requirements, no labels, no hierarchy, no judgement, no blame.

Nature doesn't ruminate on the past. Nature doesn't try and predict the future. Nature is only present moment.

Nature does what it needs to care for itself.

Nature forces us to listen, adapt, reflect, show-up.

Nature gives freely, openly.

Nature sets boundaries that we respect, without question.

Nature is soft.

Nature is relentless.

Nature doesn't perform. It just is.

Nature is all of us.

The garden space I'm growing in has been a labor of love. When I moved to the land last July, the garden had dense weeds and grass up to my chest. I've spent the last 8 months pulling, cutting, burning, and managing weeds nearly every week. I'm proud of the progress I've made, but I know this year will be a battle to reduce the weed seed burden in the soil.

Unfortunately, the garden is innundated with what I think I've identified as Reed Canarygrass, a prolific invasive. The grass spreads through seeds, stem fragments, AND underground rhizomes, which means it's aggressive and annoying. Simply tilling the soil can multiply the population; simply burning the grass doesn't account for the rhizomes; simply digging up the rhizomes doesn't get rid of the seeds. Sigh. I've been digging up, using plastic left behind by the previous owners, and burning to try and manage the attack. Each year should get easier and easier.

What's in the garden?

• Romaine and bibb lettuce - This is the first year I've been intentional about growing little bundles of lettuce - and they are doing so good! Very exciting

• All the brassicas - Brassicas are my favorite veg type. I have cauliflower, broccoli, mini broccoli, cabbage, kale, mini purple kale, and collards. Very exciting.

• Alliums - the hardneck garlic is looking awesome. I also have bunching (green) onions, spring cipollini onions, sweet onions, and storage onions - all growing well, some better than others. This is my first year growing onions. Very exciting.

• Strawbs - the strawberries that were left behind and neglected by the previous growers are doing great. They had planted several varieties, but it was hard to identify who was who... soooo they are all mixed together - big ones, small ones, white ones, red ones. Very exciting.

• Peas - My favorite garden snack - they rarely make it inside. I planted two varieties this year. We've had some warm weather, so they are a bit stunted, but the last couple cool days of rain have helped! Very exciting.

• Tomatoes - I always plant way more tomato plants than I actually need. These guys have been in the greenhouse, but I think this week (maybe next), they will be transplanted outside! I have slicers, paste, cherry, and some funky varieties. Very exciting.

• Peppers - I started a good variety of peppers this year - some hot, some sweet. I think I'm most excited about my lilac bells and shishito peppers! Obviously, very exciting.

• Beans - Beans will go in soon too! I will be growing a couple different varieties of pole beans. I love cooking with them, and it's so nice to have them in the garden.

• Herbs - Not my favorite to grow, but a logical choice for the garden. Rosemary, oregano, parsley, cilantro, mint, lemonbalm, summer savory. Pretty exciting.

Field Update

The field EXPLODED with grass after we had a couple days of heavy rain and because I eventually want to expand to growing out there, I decided I needed to take steps to make that happen. The dang Reed Canarygrass is prolific out there too, so I decided to re-use plastic left behind and cover the area I'll grow in.

This technique (called silage tarping or occultation) works well for a few reasons: it heats up the plants underneath encouraging seeds to sprout, blocks out sunlight so that those seeds don't thrive, and also heats up the ground underneath to kill any plants and encourage soil microbe activity. It also creates an environment where earthworms move deeper into the soil, contributing to soil health.

It's also a pain in the butt. It's a ton of work to get them out there and a ton of work to keep the tarps in place. I'm pleased with how it's working though, nearly all the grass underneath is dead and as new grass sprouts, it will weaken the root systems underneath.

After the tarps have been on for a couple of months and the weather warms up, I'll take them off, let the seeds sprout and cover it up again to further reduce the seed burden and weaken the plants. Hopefully by fall it will be ready to plant... fingers crossed.

Having this garden space has been absolutely essential to my mental health over the last several months. I'm (clearly) excited to see it bloom.

Print by Black Lodge Press

(Which... denial (noun) - An unconscious defense mechanism characterized by refusal to acknowledge painful realities, thoughts, or feelings. Yeeeeep.)

I can't quite put a finger on when it started, but I haven't been feeling like myself lately. Each day feels like I'm slogging through quicksand to get through. My normal self-care has been parsed down to the bare minimum. I'm having a difficult time navigating any kind of emotional labor - for myself and others. I simply feel like I will never get caught up.

I am burnt out. Crispy. Charred. And I MUST do something about it.

I'm feeling vulnerable writing about this, but my hope is that it will create some accountability and compassion for myself, and who knows... maybe it will help someone else.

I've felt this way for quite a while (dare I say years?) and I'm having a hard time knowing where to start. Alas, one small step at a time. I'm trying to be diligent to not judge myself for how small the step may seem or over-explaining my needs to people. If it seems like something will help, I'm going to give 'er a go.

• For the next week, I am not adding anything to my schedule that hasn't already been planned. I will say "no".

• Asking for help when needed.

• I am going to put my favorite self-care items on display to remind myself to use them - skincare, shoulder massage dealy-bob, my favorite water glass, making sure my most comfortable clothes are clean.

• When I feel frozen or stuck, I will refer to my "smol things" list: drink water, stand up, stretch, write, go outside, breathe, etc. instead of feeling bad for not being "productive".

• I want to do 1 unit* of physical activity a day. (*1 unit being whatever I can handle in the moment... no shame!)

• I've shared with my friends these intentions in hopes of some encouragement, understanding, and grace.

I'm finally trusting myself - what my body and spirit have been trying to have me notice - that I need to slow down. My intentions feel do-able and I am feeling a lot of compassion for myself.

I'll continue my updates here as they happen.

I don't want to know what you've been doing, without having talked with you. I want to know the daily minutiae. Tell me about how those wildflower seeds you haphazardly threw on the ground are growing. The weird noise your cat makes after it eats. About the cool sweater you saw at the thrift store.

Tell me about your favorite tree. Tell me about the critters that live in it - the ones that call it home. How it changes throughout the seasons and how you framed a leaf that fell from it.

Nostalgia

I remember a time on the internet when you could only message someone if they were online at the same time as you. A time where a Google search wasn't riddled (read: completely saturated) with monetized content behind paywalls or items for sale. It was personal, vulnerable, slow, and connected. Back then, the internet felt like an addition to our in-person connecting - now it feels like it detracts from it, leaving us lonely and isolated.

The internet of past wasn't trying to sell you anything, or not much anyway. It was a wild frontier of personal expression, discovery, and knowledge. It was ours. We weren't at the mercy of technology conglomerates engineering how to capture our attention. We were guided by passion, curiosity, and hope for what this new technology might hold for our collective future.

Attention Monetization

There's a stark contrast in how the internet used to be and where it is today. The major services utilized either cost money or mine our data to figure out how to capture more of our precious attention - the internet's unintentional currency.

If I'm being honest, the current state of the internet weighs on me and trying to be a ethical internet citizen can feel taxing at times. My workplace uses Google and I can't avoid that; my small, rural town uses Facebook extensively to distribute information and working in marketing/outreach means I have to use it; gaps in technological literacy make products from Google, Amazon, Microsoft, etc easier to use for the aging generations. Algorithms choose the media we consume, and in turn what captures our attention and what we think about - positive or negative.

Sure, there was more friction. Our connectivity wasn't as streamlined as it is now. But at what cost? Are these companies streamlining services for our sake - out of the kindness of their hearts? Surely not. Streamlining - connecting multiple areas of our lives together to create ease through tech - results in potentially being locked in by an ecosystem (ahem, Apple), more data for the conglomerates to receive, and our undivided, dedicated attention. And $$$ for them. Essentially, we have turned into internet tenants and big tech are our landlords.

There are pockets of the internet that feel hopeful: slow, intentional, ethical, connected, HUMAN. The existence of these spaces give me hope and motivate me to help expand them.

Intentionality & Slow Internet

It's not easy to resist the shininess of new, big tech. But it can be done. There are many subsets of internet citizens who are paving the way back to a more personal internet.

A smaller, slower web means more personal privacy, more creativity, more connection - beyond the bounds of capitalization and the attention economy. There's no one, singular way to join the small web. Here's are the ways I'm participating:

• This website! I have full creative freedom and can highlight anything I want without trying to appease the "algorithm gods".

• Being conscious about where I spend money on tech - domain registrars, website hosting, etc.

• Divesting from monetized social media - slow process, but it's on my list.

• Investing in open technology. I use open source software and hardware whenever possible.

• Limiting access to my online data. I use GrapheneOS on my phone and limit apps that track my online activities.

• Engaging with small internet content - websites, newsletters, organizations.

• Continuing to build my coding skills to help them integrate into the small web.

• Eventually hosting my own webserver to self-host products I might otherwise be tempted to buy (and donating to the rad open-source projects I host!)

Let's take a moment together, close our eyes for a second, and imagine what the internet could be outside of the grasp of capitalism. (okay, open your eyes now) How would it add to your life? How would you use it to connect meaningfully to others? What would you interact differently with the natural world? How would you spend your time?

That world can exist, we just have to make it. I encourage you to take a small step toward a different world. Create the world you imagine for yourself. There's nothing more radical than that.

I'm really enjoying building and maintaining this blog. I've learned a lot of skills, overcame some feelings of uncertainty and shame around sharing my thoughts with the world, and connected with some great people in the digital realm! (I even shared it with some people I know in real life, which was a big step - Hi, friends!)

Although I often journal about my week privately, I wanted to start sharing some highlights about my weeks here on ye ol' blog. My intention is to keep it positive and focus on the things that went well and felt good. I have a tendency to ruminate about problems and focus on the negative, so this is a practice in having a more balanced mindset. I'm going to call these things "The Goods".

The second piece of my weekly posts will be articles, art, websites, ideas, etc. that I enjoyed this week. I really like when others post links they find interesting, so I'm going to do that too!

The Goods

• Next weekend, we are hosting an event at the farm to help us clean up our field. I spent some time this week mowing the overgrown areas, making the path to the field more accessible when the gulch is full of water like it is right now, and generally getting ready for the day! I'm excited to have people visit the land and really grateful for the help people have offered.

• The puppy is growing fast and learning. There have been a few days in the past few weeks that I've felt incredibly overwhelmed by his "puppiness", but things seem to be going smoother. I think we are both settling in to a good routine. (Phew.)

• The weekly Nonviolent Communication study group I participate in with some close friends continues to be incredibly valuable. I'd by lying if I said this group was easy. Sometimes the subject matter is difficult and it forces me to take a clear look at myself - to fully accept who I am and be accountable for my actions. Sometimes the vulnerability is excruciating. But I'm also learning to trust how accepting, loving, and understanding my friends are and remembering that no one has it figured out. I'm really proud of us and grateful for the skills I'm learning.

• I also joined the board of directors of a local food hub in my area. I'm really impressed with the work that the Executive Director has been doing in it's first year of operations. I'm excited to both participate in the growth of this organization as well as participate as a producer!

Inspired by...

• Sophie's article, This Page is Under Construction: A Love Letter to the Personal Website has been making rounds, and I keep coming back to it. I wish more of my friends had websites!

• I went down a bit of a typeface rabbit hole after reading this incredibly detailed article about the Gorton typeface (via Robb) and found this wonderful modern recreation: National Park Typeface

• I've been really loving reading the Greenhorn's The New Farmer's Almanac to start my day. The modern, inclusive takes on agriculture, nature, and farm culture are refreshing.

Here are some highlights from February:

• Wrote five blog posts - Self explanatory! I'm stoked I shared my thoughts with the world.
• Fixed some broken links on my "blog" page - The "older posts" and "newer posts" links weren't working, and just populating all the blog posts with no pagination, so I re-wrote the code and they work now! -Added generated OpenGraph images - I had a couple people share my writing (thank you!) but noticed when they posted a link on social media, they showed up like this:

And now they look like this:

This was a fun project that really made me fall in love with 11ty, the static site generator I use to build this site. Essentially, I set up a template in 11ty that creates dynamic images automatically for each webpage. I utilize the 11ty screenshot service to take a screenshot and use that image. Thanks to Patrick Lee for sharing his method, which GREATLY informed how I implemented this.

What's Next?

• Checking and improving accessibility based on WCAG guidelines.
• Displaying post 'tags' is broken... need to fix.
• Adding a 'website' page to better track these updates and celebrate how much I've learned!
• Adding links on posts and adding a repository of links to my favorite websites.

I've spent a significant amount of time working to understand and dismantle this pattern within myself. One of the best things I've learned in therapy is somatic noticing (also known as somatic experiencing). An oversimplified explanation is: the body and mind are intimately connected. Feeling things in our bodies provides us with a roadmap towards the thoughts and stories in our mind that contribute to our suffering. The heavy chest and tense shoulders are an alert to me that something I'm holding onto must be released.

The duality of this work often leaves me exhausted. I feel a deep compassion for this part of me that's worked so hard to aid in my survival. This part of me learned that if I stayed small and unnoticeable, other's wouldn't feel their big feelings which may avoid painful conflict with others. Sigh. On the other hand, I know that staying small and denying myself the space to exist ensures painful conflict - with myself. I'm simply no longer willing to reject my own needs or set aside my values for the comfort of others.

For the past week or so, my journal entries have focused on the impact of this thought and action pattern under fascism. An aside - I keep seeing commentary about the impending fascist state of the US - in my book, if it's looming, it's already been here for a while. Honestly, it's been pretty heavy. I'm noticing a fair amount of anger, fear, and grief surface as I write, but also moments of fiery motivation. I know I must attend to these things to stay healthy, grounded, and able during these dark political times. I can no longer stay small in the face of anger. I am not willing to be complicit in the face of fascism.

Silence in the face of injustice is complicity with the oppressor.

The basis of fascism is the denial of individual. We're seeing this happen with the oppression of trans and queer people, those who have migrated to the US, the denial of autonomy for anyone not a white cis male, art being replaced with AI slop, small family farms being replaced with industrialized operations, infrastructure upholding automotive supremacy, workers rights being suppressed... I could go on. Fascism relies on misogynistic patriarchal normativity. In other words, fascism relies on me being small, unnoticed, and silent... complicit.

So, I'm focusing on healing. I'm focusing on relentlessly taking care of myself, speaking up, showing up, healing. This is where some heaviness starts to creep in. How can I focus on myself when the world is burning around me? In all my studies about fascism, I'm learning that there is simply no other option than to heal. One way I am doing this is a weekly Nonviolent Communication study group with friends. Another is sharing about my dreams of being a farmer.

I also find a lot of inspiration and guidance from the Jewish-American Anarchists in North America from the late 1800's to 1940's. I'm inspired by their focus on mutual aid, rituals of grief and joy, and community interdependence as forms of resisting oppression. I also highly encourage you to read the book linked above, or at the very least this zine: 20 Ways to Counter Fascism (and also maybe print some out to distribute!)

I'll leave you with this: I know the power of oppressors feels impossible to fight, but we must. We won't be able to do it alone or quietly. In moments you feel overwhelmed by the state of the world, try something small. Take care of yourself by noticing what isn't serving you anymore and take steps to heal. Take care of those around you. Respect yourself, your values, your needs.

I've noticed that the combination of my smartphone and the infinite knowledge contained on the internet has reduced my willingness to find creative solutions: both artistically and practically. Getting into the habit of watching videos, reading articles, and comparing methods before I've even given something a chance has become the norm - and I hate it. I long for the creativity I exuded as a child, figuring out solutions without waiting for a specific tool I researched for hours to arrive. Trying new things the way I want to. Doing things incredibly inefficiently until I find a way to improve my method. I miss the creative solutions I would find without typing "best way to..." into a search bar.

So, I'm making an effort to rediscover that part of me. I'm rediscovering doing things wrong.

This is one practice (of many) I'm focusing on this year, with my word of the year: trust. There's beauty in the mystery of trusting myself to try something, the potential of failing, and learning what works best for me. I want to build things that only kind of work and improve on them (ahem, this website). I want to get SO CLOSE to solving a problem, think about it for a few days, then stumble on an unexpected "A HA!". I want to give something my all and have it go way different than I expected. I want to teach myself! On a more cerebral note, it's important: we objectively get less creative as we get older.

There are studies to back this up, but I don't feel the need to cite them because it feels obvious: when presented with a simple task or conundrum, children are able to more easily find creative solutions than adults are. In case any trolls have decided to start reading my blog, first: plz, go away. Second, I'm not saying children find better solutions to ALL problems. Just to be clear. At the very least, I've noticed a steady decline in my tolerance to do things "wrong", try new things organically, or find my own creative solutions.

I cringe at the idea of utilizing the internet, especially AI, to figure out how to do things and I worry about the repercussions, sometimes. With the popularity of AI increasing, presumably to make our lives easier, I can't help but imagine a future that discounts the weirdos. Casts aside the oddballs that come up with new, inefficient, but fun ideas. Although I've made an effort to reduce my AI usage as much as possible, there are times I think "Man, I should just look this up". When I cave and simply find easy, external answers, it turns the opportunity for creativity into feeling like another rote chore to complete step-by-step.

Reliance on the internet can also isolate us from one another - very convenient for a certain flavor of rugged individualism. Again, yes, there are wonderful communities of people in the digital realm that connect in very meaningful ways. Those have their value and I enjoy those spaces too. I also see immense value in community-led skill-sharing and problem-solving. The times I've been part of a group project as an adult has often resulted in new friends, unexpected outcomes, and incredible moments of collaboration.

One of my most beloved examples of this kind of unexpected creativity comes from a story about my brother: In second grade on Earth Day, his class was drawing pictures of the Earth. My brother hated these kinds of art projects. He proceeded to completely fill his paper, save a tiny circle in the middle, with black crayon. He then added to the tiny circle a dot of green and a dot of blue. When his teacher reprimanded him for not following directions, he shared that he did follow the assignment! "It's earth from space!"

We are incredibly lucky to have access to the information readily available to us, I won't argue against that. It's mind boggling. What I hope, however, is we can harness what is available to us to learn foundational knowledge, learn from history, share important skills freely. And along with all that, ensure we are adding our own mark on the world through diverse methods, views, collaboration and simply celebrating our own, weird selves.

(Also, psst... perfectionism is a symptom of white supremacy. I have a lot more to say about all of this, but that's another post for a different time.)

This practice has helped me realize that in the past, I almost exclusively focused on the emotions that felt difficult - sadness, resentment, confusion, fear - and didn't celebrate the ones that created ease in my life. Part of this practice is being intentional about not categorizing feelings as good or bad - they just are. And each one of them provides me with information about my needs. Very cool.

Manfred Max-Neef is a Chilean economist that rejected the economic idea of measuring economy through industrial output (GDP), as that simply measured the transition of wealth from the working class to the ruling class. Instead, he studied how meeting the universal human needs of people contributed to a vibrant, healthy society - something called "Human Scale Development".

Note: It's important to note that Max-Neef is a white man of privilege who primarily worked in poor South American communities. I have not researched him beyond exploring his alternative economic viewpoints.

Max-Neef identifies four major problems with the capitalist system:

• an obsession with "big solutions"
• mechanistic approaches to solving economic problems, which never relate directly to humanity, but rather address issues of production and efficiency
• an obsession with abstract, measurable economic quantities, which don't relate directly to humanity
• and a tendency to oversimplify, ignoring the real complexities of human life.

Additionally, within his work, he identified nine universal human needs that when met, would naturally contribute to a successful society: subsistence, protection, affection, understanding, participation, idleness, creation, identity, and freedom (Which can be viewed here).

Learning about these needs and how they show up in my life is helping cultivate compassion, motivation, trust, and confidence in myself. Liberating myself from the oppressive expectations of capitalism has helped me re-think how I spend my time. Celebrating the feelings of joy, autonomy, ease, and safety - giving them the recognition they deserve - is such a gift.

This year is the first year that I have access to a large swath of land to grow food on. In July, I moved onto 80 acres with my friends to mold and shape the land into a community resource: event space, ecological learning, conservation, and yep, growing food.

To say I'm excited about the opportunity would be an understatement, yet whenever the chance arises to call myself a farmer, I pause. And feel a pit in my stomach. And it's not because I think ill of farmers - farmers are rad. I couldn't figure out exactly why, until I took a closer look at some internalized capitalism that was stuck inside me: there isn't much social capital in barely making ends meet growing food. Sometimes there are no days off. Plants can be finnicky and pests, detrimental. Industrialized food is less expensive. Climate change is a real threat to food production. It's hard work and very little external validation. So, why the heck would I want to farm?

To say farming is stigmatized seems a bit hyperbolic, but it's not lauded like high-paying, college-educated careers - the careers I was told I should be working toward. That's to say, if I told people I was going back to school to become an engineer or nurse, I can't imagine I'd be met with the same skepticism and doubt that I have in sharing I want to grow food.

For me, growing food is a radical act. Farms are weavers of community, connection, reciprocity, and liberation - they connect us to the land and to each other with the abundance they provide while directly countering oppressive, exclusionary systems. Farms are magic. I know this because I feel it every time I harvest a vegetable. Every time I see the diversity of life alongside me as I tend to the land - the birds, the bugs, the soil, the water. The work is hard and uncertain, sure. But for me, so is an office job with a toxic culture.

It's becoming easier, saying that I am a farmer. And although I'm only in my first year of "farming", I've been a farmer in my soul for much longer. Navigating the shame around choosing farming has made it clear how important finding like-minded, young, radical farmers is for me. Similarly, so is connecting with seasoned farmers that are eager to teach the newbies all the things we didn't know that we don't know. I feel motivated to make this work - or at least give it my all to say I tried. So, yes. I am a farmer. And I'm absolutely ecstatic to finally say that.

Curious to see my farm plans? Visit Dirtfolk Farm

Nonviolent Communication was developed by Marshall Rosenburg and is a language of connection, honesty, and empathy, with one overarching principal: human emotions are the result of met or unmet needs. Within these needs are the opportunity to connect - or distance! - ourselves from others. Simplified, NVC uses a 4-step framework of Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests. Honestly communicating these steps and compassionately receiving these steps helps us more consciously identify and meet our needs.

We recently covered a section on anger - an emotion I admittedly don't explore too often. I feel it, but due to familial and social conditioning, I tend to tuck it away. What I learned at our Wednesday gathering about the root and purpose of anger motivated me to embrace it.

In NVC, outwardly expressed anger is viewed as a language of violence. Marshall explains that "people don't make us angry, how we think makes us angry". This was difficult for me to conceptualize at first, but after some practice and self-reflection, it made a lot of sense:

• Considering stimulus vs. cause - Often times, when we feel anger we can confuse the stimulus of our anger as the cause of our anger. For example, if someone cuts you off in traffic, they didn't force you to become angry, but rather they stimulated an expression of an unmet need (possibly consideration, safety, comfort, respect, etc.). Your anger at the other driver is alerting you to an unmet need of yours.
• 4 D's of disconnection - Diagnosis (judgement, criticism), denial of responsibility, demand, and deserve - focusing on these and the actions of others creates a barrier to connecting to your own unmet needs. Expecting someone to connect with you when you blame them for how you feel, is a recipe for disconnection.
• "4 friends" - Awareness around the "4 friends" - anger, shame, guilt, depression - can help us start to identify that we are thinking in a way that contributes to violence. This awareness can be a first step toward identifying what need of ours isn't being met, to then verbalize that need to the other person - not for them to fix, but for them to understand what is happening within you.
• Transforming anger - Once we can start to better notice our feelings and identify our needs, we can take note of the stimulus of our anger and transform it into connection, taking steps to meet our own needs, and increasing empathy for ourselves and others.
• Accountability to self - Considering the above, it's clear that I have a responsibility to communicate clearly, honestly, and authentically in order to stay accountable to my needs. This accountability not only creates connection to and empathy for myself, but also the opportunity to connect more deeply with others. Admittedly, this is difficult for me, having being conditioned that my actions are the cause of other people's unmet needs.

I admit that I felt a resistance to this at first. "But, there are certainly things that other people do that anger me! What about openly racist people? That makes me angry!" My anger is rooted in my need for love, equity, belonging, and acceptance. "This person keeps doing something that they know I don't like!" My anger is rooted in consideration, integrity, respect, and cooperation.

Thinking this way has been fundamental in shifting my relationship with anger. Instead of pushing it down inside of me, unconsidered and festering, I welcome the exploration. It has helped me focus on my values and the parts of myself that I cherish and creating a feeling of empathy towards others, instead of becoming entangled in judgement or focusing on who was "right or wrong". I feel empowered to know I am the sole source of my anger and to have powerful tools to navigate it.

• I want to be able to look back and take note of my personal growth, my evolution.
• I want to be conscious of negativity bias and make an effort to remember the positive moments.
• I want to use the lack of direction I felt in 2024 to set meaningful goals for 2025.

The transitions that happened in 2024 oscillated between life-affirming and devastating. I often felt like I was existing in a liminal space of uncertainty. In all honesty, I lost sight of who I am in some ways. In other ways, I found paths that I had been searching for.

Winter

Cold. Snowy. Somewhat lonely. This was a difficult season. I wasn't satisfied with where I was living, having moved in October of 2023, right before the winter season descended upon us. Living rurally, people can hermit a little during this time of year. I often felt anxious in my own home, which contributed to how I was feeling. Luckily, I was able to connect with a great group of people who lived close. We played games and ate food together. This sense of community, even thought I did retreat into hermit mode a bit, really helped ease the discomfort.

Spring

Spring felt like a welcome transition - both with the warmer weather and with the activities I involved myself in. The area I live is often threatened by wildfire and proactive fire mitigation is part of life. I participated in a "prescribed burn" on the property I was living. These burns are low-intensity are adapted from indigenous forest management practices that occurred before misguided fire-suppression policies were put in place. It was awesome. About 20 people from our little community, several people from outside of the region, friends of mine, and fire professionals came to burn about 3 acres of land. I learned so much and watching the fire burn helped thaw some frozen parts of me.

Summer

Summer gave me a lot to look forward to. I moved onto a large swath of land that friends had purchased in July, spent some time fixing up "The 79er" - a vintage (read: old) manufactured home on the land, and started tending to the large overgrown, abandoned garden area adjacent to the greenhouse. This move helped me start to feel alive again. The property was previously used to cultivate cannabis - our region is littered with cannabis grows, so this is not uncommon - and in exploring the infrastructure in place for cultivation, my dormant dream of growing food on a larger scale started to awaken. This both exhilarated and scared me, but the duality was expected and the opportunity I saw lit a fire inside me.

Fall

I love fall. I love the colors, the temperature, the winding down. My land-mates moved on to the land and we dreamt together the visions we had for the land - communion, regeneration, growth, healing. Feeling "at home" where I lived created so much space for me to engage in things that made me feel alive. Exploring the land freely, feeling a sense of autonomy in my living space, building relationships and trust with my land-mates - these all felt so good. I continued to tend to the land, expanding out into the old cannabis cultivation field we affectionately named "the rebar forest" since there are thousands of sticks of rebar protruding from the ground, left over from the previous operation. Although our to-do list continues to feel never-ending, each little thing we do toward our vision feels incredibly satisfying.

2025

I never tend to create "new years resolutions", but the transition into new year does encourage me to reflect and shift. My focus word of 2025 is trust. I want to trust myself more - trust my needs, emotions, dreams. Trust that what I feel drawn to is for me and resist the societal conditioning that tells me I'm not good enough, rich enough, capable enough to strive for things beyond the status quo. Trust that my values can inform how I build community around me, how I make money, how I use the time gifted to me through existing. My goal for 2025 is to look back and trust I did my best to care for myself to be able to truly thrive.

Cheers!

It's simple, but I love it.

It's made with a simple configuration of 11ty and feels like a solid starting point for me to expand and add as I learn.

I'd be lying to say there wasn't a steep learning curve. I tried several different guides to help me get to where I want to be and almost resorted to just using a pre-made starter project to get me going. With some perseverance (and a bit of hyperfocus sprinkled on), something finally clicked and I was able to build this site out with relative ease. Plus, a learned a ton.

I expect to share a lot of various thoughts here. Lately I've been exploring ethical technology, food sovereignty, what the internet has become, how to upscale my food production, and how to make baskets out of the willow that grows on my land. The only niche this site will have is me.

Whether or not people will actually read my blog is irrelevant. This is for me and I'm having a great time.